Kaylee Stout / The Sunflower
My relationship with my body is complicated. Sometimes I love it. I want to flaunt it. I want people to see it.
But other times, I absolutely detest it. I hate it. It makes me embarrassed, and I want to hide everything about it.
This is what society can do to us— make us hate our body and image. Not once growing up did I ever love my body. This is due to society, family, friends, and the world.
In my childhood, I was overweight. I remember my doctor told me I was slacking in exercise and I needed to exercise, or I would be “bigger forever.”
Over the past couple of years, I’ve lost 80 pounds. Which most people would congratulate me on and ask me how I did it. Because they think it’s a win. But is it?
I contribute my weight loss to my anxiety and depression. I seriously think that’s why I lost so much in a small amount of time.
I remember my family and friends being so proud of me. And I remember not knowing how to feel.
Fatphobia is a reality that is killing us. Why is it such a bad thing to be fat?
I think of myself as fat, and honestly, I don’t care. It’s my body. It’s my weight. It should not be your problem. Stop making it a big deal when people are just being people and living.
The word fat is supposed to be a negative connotation, but it shouldn’t be. It’s an adjective. There is nothing wrong with being fat, I promise you. Please don’t continue to use the word fat negatively because it hurts those who are.
My body dysmorphia might be talking slightly, but I still think I’m the same size I was when I was at my highest weight. Even if I was, that shouldn’t bother me . . . but it does.
My weight is a challenging subject for me. Exercise is also hard. I go for walks and runs when I can. But the thing is, I exercise because I think I need to burn off the food I just ate.
I have become obsessed with numbers. I can no longer check the calories that I’m eating or check my weight more than once a week. My mind becomes too focused on numbers, and when I don’t reach the unattainable goal I set, it makes my mental health decline more than you would think.
I also don’t believe in diets. I think if they worked, they wouldn’t be needed anymore. Plus, they directly target those who think their weight is a bad thing. It hurts more than it helps.
I want people to understand that no matter what my body looks like, no matter what the scale says, it doesn’t mean anything about me as a person.
I may not entirely like my body, but I do love it. I want to be empowered in myself and know that I’m still a beautiful human being no matter what I look like.
I would put my before and after photos for this story, but I don’t want to focus on that. I would rather my point be to love yourself, no matter your size.