The Sunflower • January 24, 2013 • https://thesunflower.com/8122/uncategorized/haterscopes-jan-24/
The first Haterscopes of 2013 are here. Thirteen is considered to be an unlucky number, and after
having looked at your future, I agree.
Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr): A confusing series of text messages will lead to you being arrested for invading the stage during an LMFAO concert.
Libra (24 Sep – 23 Oct): Take a geography course this semester and achieve your lifelong dream of locating Carmen Sandiego.
Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May): Heartbreak lies dead ahead when your plan to convert your microwave into a tropical getaway for your pet turtle goes awry. Scorpio (24 Oct – 22 Nov): Social media will complicate your life when you accidentally “like” RedTube on Facebook.
Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun): Your shock after discovering Barack Obama has been re-elected will only further demonstrate that Political Science is not the major for you.
Sagittarius (23 Nov – 21 Dec): Oh, sure, they all laughed when you packed snowshoes for Spring semester. Wait until next week!
Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul): Your enthusiasm will be welcome at the Shocker game, but quit screaming, “Touchdown!” after every basket.
Capricorn (22 Dec – 20 Jan): There could be many reasons you can’t find a parking spot, but “Masonic conspiracy” probably isn’t one of them.
Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug): Your project to raise awareness for bee-keeping does more harm than good when you drop a hive in Ablah Library.
Aquarius (21 Jan – 19 Feb): You’ll catch a cold so severe you’ll order a pizza just to have ginger ale delivered.
Virgo (23 Aug – 23 Sep): It’s great that you’re trying to overcome your social anxiety, but the jump to nudism is both sudden and ill advised.
Pisces (20 Feb – 20 Mar): The world did not end on December 21, 2012, so, if you’re reading this, please come out of the bunker.