Nostradumbass is feeling overworked this week—is there anything left in the tank for you after predicting the fortunes of the entire MVC? Let’s take a look.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Everybody hates the guy who is way too into Led Zeppelin. I’m only mentioning it because that’s the sixth time you’ve played “Houses of the Holy” today.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22
A get-rich-quick scheme falls through when you discover that, despite the name, your dog cannot actually retrieve gold.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
I don’t care what that grad student told you, breaking up with your boyfriend and changing your relationship status on Facebook is not “a post-feminist statement of staggering proportions.”
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21
If he’s making a list and checking it twice, you’d better hope Santa isn’t a fan of “Death Note.”
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Getting the “death” card three times in one tarot reading is a frequently misinterpreted sign – especially since there’s only supposed to be one in a deck.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21
Disaster strikes your relationship when you discover your girlfriend is participating in No Shave November.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
If you’re planning on studying Russian literature in November, please have the suicide prevention hotline on speed dial.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19
You decide to express your pain and darkness to the world by dressing as a large, flightless bird. Then, someone explains that it’s “emo,” not “emu.”
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Quit telling people you invented Dubstep. You’re clearly lion.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Despite your excellent grades, your outstanding GRE scores, and the copious amounts of recommendations you’ve received from your professors, you will have great difficulty in locating a graduate school program that will allow you to become a Pokémon professor.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Your swag will get you a lot of attention, in addition to qualifying you for a job at the fast food locale of your choice.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You will make headlines when you discover a new form of life. Unfortunately, it’s living in your fridge.