Mr. Advice Man wishes a big happy holiday to all of you Shockers out there. I’ve braved the malls and stores this year to bring you rock-solid gift giving advice, saving you the time and trouble of getting out there yourself. Any of these gifts are sure to bring a smile to the face of even the hardest-to-please amongst your friends and family.
1. What do you get for the person who has everything? Mr. Advice Man suggests this box of random crap. It’s sure to please even the snobbiest of your friends, as not only is it random crap… it’s random imported crap! Leave the price tag on to send the message, “Not only is this a box of random crap, it’s 19 dollars’ worth of random crap.”
2. Do you know an atheist or agnostic? Deciding whether or not to get them a gift can be awkward. Here’s a gift that says both, “I wanted to get you a gift” and “I don’t understand how evolution works.” Enjoy the smirks and muttered “thank yous” when they unwrap this play set that makes a total mockery out of the science of evolution. Give one to your anthropology professor for extra credit… I assure you they won’t want you to take the class again.
3. Who doesn’t want to wake up to the vaguely smug face of Canadian pop sensation Justin Beiber? Ensure the Beliber in your life is “One Less Lonely Girl” with her “Boyfriend” to greet her every morning. Additionally, seven out of 10 people preferred the clanging alarm bells to actual Justin Beiber music, so it’s a win-win situation. A word of warning, however – the clock does not have a one, two, three, four, five, or nine, so ensure your Justin fan can already tell time before giving her this gift.
4. Someone on your gift-list permanently attached to their cell phone? Help make that attachment all the more real by actually strapping the phone directly to their face. The man in the red shirt on the package is expressing the enormity of this incredible invention – or he’s describing exactly how big his headache is after having a Samsung Galaxy III suctioned to his temple for three hours.
5. Do you have a gourmet in your life? Thrill him with the gift of Ass Blaster. Ass Blaster has been the secret of the finest European chefs for over two centuries, and is finally available in the United States without a prescription. AB (as it is known amongst aficionados) instantly classes up any meal from rice and beans to chateaubriand with just a few drops. He’ll volunteer to help with the Christmas dinner after he opens his new bottle of Ass Blaster. Available in finer shops only.