Haterscopes – Nov. 1

Aries: March 21-April 19 

When you meet the guy you hooked up with at the Halloween party for lunch, you’ll come to the sad realization that he wasn’t wearing a costume that night.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Your friend claims the kiss was strictly Platonic, but, you’re beginning to suspect it might have been Hegelian or even Cartesian.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 

As homework assignments begin to pile up, you’ll realize it’s time for your Uncle Fred in Cleveland to pass away again.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

Your son, the terrible astrologer, will write the only accurate haterscope of his life this week. 

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Opportunity knocks this week. It knocks because your doorbell won’t work after you forget to pay the electric bill again.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Laughter is the best medicine, but you’re not going to giggle away that nasty rash without using the cream every day.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Don’t give short shrift to your classwork this week. One of your assignments is finding out what the hell “shrift” is, anyway.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19 

 You’ll experience a pang of jealousy when friends talk about the release of Windows 8 this week.  Go home and use your copy of Office 97 to write about your feelings.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Having an imaginary girlfriend is weird.  Having a screaming fight with her in front of Jabara Hall is weirder. The fact that the fight is over how she hates being called “imaginary” is probably the weirdest.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Think you’re safe from Frankenstorms in Kansas?  Call your parents and ask for money.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Spending a night in jail is not a sufficient basis for claiming you live a Gandhi-like existence.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

A haiku for you: The pizza was green/ I ate it all anyway/ Now I’m at ER.