The Sunflower • November 1, 2012 • https://thesunflower.com/8352/uncategorized/haterscopes-nov-1/
Nostradumbass would like to take this opportunity to wish his father, Paterdumbass, a happy 62nd birthday. Boy, are you old, Dad! PS – Sorry, Mom, we don’t have Haterscopes on your birthday until 2017.
Aries: March 21-April 19
When you meet the guy you hooked up with at the Halloween party for lunch, you’ll come to the sad realization that he wasn’t wearing a costume that night.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22
Your friend claims the kiss was strictly Platonic, but, you’re beginning to suspect it might have been Hegelian or even Cartesian.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
As homework assignments begin to pile up, you’ll realize it’s time for your Uncle Fred in Cleveland to pass away again.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21
Your son, the terrible astrologer, will write the only accurate haterscope of his life this week.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Opportunity knocks this week. It knocks because your doorbell won’t work after you forget to pay the electric bill again.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21
Laughter is the best medicine, but you’re not going to giggle away that nasty rash without using the cream every day.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Don’t give short shrift to your classwork this week. One of your assignments is finding out what the hell “shrift” is, anyway.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19
You’ll experience a pang of jealousy when friends talk about the release of Windows 8 this week. Go home and use your copy of Office 97 to write about your feelings.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Having an imaginary girlfriend is weird. Having a screaming fight with her in front of Jabara Hall is weirder. The fact that the fight is over how she hates being called “imaginary” is probably the weirdest.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Think you’re safe from Frankenstorms in Kansas? Call your parents and ask for money.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Spending a night in jail is not a sufficient basis for claiming you live a Gandhi-like existence.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
A haiku for you: The pizza was green/ I ate it all anyway/ Now I’m at ER.