Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr): Your job at Webster’s is very interesting, but quit telling people you wrote a bestseller.

Libra (24 Sep – 23 Oct): Downloading music on ЦTorrent while on vacation in San Juan doesn’t make you a pirate of the Caribbean.

Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May): Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but your opinion on what constitutes the four basic food groups just leads to a case of scurvy.

Scorpio (24 Oct – 22 Nov): Don’t sweat all those assignments you’ve been putting off, you still have … oh crap … Nostradumbass is way too busy to finish your Haterscope.

Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun): While there’s nothing wrong with calling your boyfriend by a pet name in public, calling him “Zantosh, Lord and Master of the Dark” is starting to draw stares.

Sagittarius (23 Nov – 21 Dec): Your therapist is able to recover a repressed memory from deep in your subconscious, but it’s just a “Fresh Prince” episode from 1997.

Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul): All those hours of study will be wasted when the history comp consists of one question: “Trace the development of the unbreakable comb from prehistory to the modern era.”

Capricorn (22 Dec – 20 Jan): See it/Skip it? Where were you the night of Nostradumbass Pirhana-3D?

Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug): Put down the controller and get off the couch – Nostradumbass is tired of seeing you over there on page 3 looking all smug.

Aquarius (21 Jan – 19 Feb): Unless you like the eye-patch look, beware of your Water-pik.

Virgo (23 Aug – 23 Sep): A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Who wants these birds and why is the real mystery.

Pisces (20 Feb – 20 Mar): You’ll become an interesting legal test case when you file a workman’s comp claim for a severe copyediting injury.