The Sunflower

Bardo’s pick-up administrative football team joins AAC

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***The following story is satirical. For facts, please refer to our News section.


 

President John Bardo’s pick-up administrative football team has officially joined the American Athletic Conference for the 2018 season according to a statement from Wichita State Athletics.

The squad, comprised of members of the president’s executive team and helmed by Bardo at quarterback, will be Wichita State’s first football team since 1986.

“We’re just excited to see football back in Wichita,” Bardo said. “Football has proven to boost enrollment, and I think Wichita State will become a destination school for kids who want to see their administrators mauled by college athletes.”

Vice President for Strategic Communications Lou Heldman said the team has been meeting up for daily practices at Cessna Stadium.

“Running a university can be stressful business, what with keeping students in line and maintaining a culture of fear,” Heldman said. “It’s nice to get together and blow off some steam at practice.”

Bardo, 69, said he likes to stay active, and has made a concerted effort to get in shape for the grueling college football season.

“Ever since we partnered with the YMCA, I’ve been working out like crazy, and I feel like a new me,” Bardo said. “Who knows, if this university president thing doesn’t work out, maybe I can get drafted into the NFL.”

Heldman said students can expect a hike in fees to pay for the state-of-the-art indoor practice facility set to be built on Innovation Campus next year.

“It makes sense from a financial standpoint,” Heldman said. “And, most importantly, it benefits the students.”

Heldman said the team has been scrimmaging the 11 student interns from Airbus on their lunch break.

“Strategically, the university felt 11 was the ideal number of students to have over there,” Heldman said in an earlier interview with the Sunflower. Now we know why.

Bardo said the team has an extensive playbook, and Wichita State’s opponents will be kept on their toes.

“They’ll have no idea what’s coming next,” Bardo said. “There will be no transparency whatsoever.”

Student Body President Paige Hungate has already volunteered to put together a cheerleading squad.

“We’ve assembled a diverse, enthusiastic group of students to cheer on the administration,” Hungate said.

At this point, Hungate broke into cheer.

“Two, four, six, eight, administrators innovate!”

At press time, several members had quit the team after signing non-disclosure agreements.

 

 

***Lou Heldman wanted The Sunflower to include additional information in our story about football. We weren’t sure why, but here it is: WSU is ranked No.1 in Industry-Funded Aviation research, and 192 WSU students are working in paid aerospace engineering internships through NIAR. Cool.

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