If you’re looking for legitimate parking help, you have come to the wrong place. This article is entirely sarcastic. Let me reiterate — DO NOT FOLLOW MY ADVICE. The Sunflower would like to take this opportunity to renounce any responsibility for parking tickets that may be acquired by following this method. That being said, here’s The Sunflowers official guide to (not) parking on campus.

Dishonorable Mention — Only take online classes

Obviously, if you don’t need to park on campus, you won’t have an issue with parking on campus. You’ll also pay quite a bit more, but it’ll still be cheaper than getting 50 parking tickets in a semester.

5 — Walk to class

For some, this is a viable option. For us commuter students, it is significantly less realistic. If I was to try to walk to class, I would need to leave home several hours ahead of time to make it. Take advantage of it if you can and count yourself lucky.

4 — show up between 11 and 1

You know, because this is obviously the best time to find a parking spot. The peak hours of on-campus traffic clearly lend themselves to countless open spots all over campus.

3 — Refuse to park anywhere but the closest green lot to the building

Just drive around the lot that you want to park in for hours on end waiting for classes to get out — willing a spot to open up. You know, because you clearly have nothing better to do.

2 — Park in a red spot

Forget the yellow — throw caution to the wind and park in a red space. I’ve always said that if you’re going to go for it, you might as well go for it all. See if you can pay more for parking tickets than tuition at the end of the semester.

1 — Park on the sidewalk beside the building

Clearly the best option. Whoever says that the fine and/or getting your car towed isn’t worth it is clearly insane. Bonus points if you try to bribe the campus police.