Christmas shopping 101: the zombie apocalypse way

Columnist

With the apocalypse fast approaching, you may be wondering what to get the zombies in your life for Christmas. 

Zazzle.com has an entire section dedicated to the undead, including Christmas cards, tree ornaments and couture. 

Brains are of course the most coveted Christmas gift for any zombie, but there is an assortment of other food-related options for more traditional gift-givers. In fact, according to the Zombie Food Pyramid, zombies need at least 2-4 servings from the liver group and 3-5 servings from the heart group a day. 

Perhaps making a nice homemade human-parts trail mix will bring joy to your zombie this Christmas.

Dr. Albert Rossum, director of the O’Bannon Institute For Postmortem Nutritional Studies, says that adult brains are the only brains a zombie should be consuming, and that they need 8-11 servings per day. 

Because zombies have difficulty walking, there are several gifts available to help counteract their limp. Some prefer roller blades to make chasing humans a little easier on them. Others prefer mopeds. 

Care packages are a cheap, fun idea for your zombie. Throwing together a small basket of tic-tacs, a toothbrush and toothpaste, fingernail clippers, travel-sized shampoo and a loofah will politely remind your zombie that hygiene is just as important for the undead. Also, a mixed-cocktail of formaldehyde, gluteraldehyde and phenol will help with the decomposition of their bodies and better preserve them.

For baby zombies, purchasing a brain-shaped teething ring will keep them entertained. But be careful—they have sharp teeth and are prone to biting. 

Every zombie needs a tube of super glue for spot-aid skin rips, or for deeper wounds, a bottle of Nu Skin. 

If your zombie is into hunting or determined to catch his food on his own, buy him a fishing net. 

Instead of asking your zombie what they want for Christmas this year, buy him or her something you know they will enjoy.