I often wonder what the future historians and anthropologists will say about our culture when they finally uncover our civilization (assuming the world doesn’t end on Dec. 21). They will find themselves having to do as we do with ancient cultures—piece together our knowledge bit by bit.

However, because I have access to the top-secret Sunflower time machine, I have been able to travel to Wichita State and Factory Outlet Mall (A Starbucks Corporation) in the year 2512.  

While I was there, I was able to grab a copy of a paper from an unaware freshman’s desk. Here, then, are the highlights of “Christmas Culture in the Late Nuclear Ages.”

“Christmas celebrations in the late nuclear ages were a festival surrounding the myths of a deity known as Jesus Claus. Claus was a man who was murdered for attempting to register at an inn with no vacancies, but later rose from the dead and became a supernatural advocate for both consumerism and agricultural labor. His sacred chant of “hoe, hoe, hoe” was often used to rally farmers in this time.

The Christmas period began with a feast known as “Thanksgiving” which translates to “Time of the Great Venting.”  

People would watch re-creations of famous battles, such as the Cowboys versus the Raiders.  Then, they would have a great feast, during which they would air their grievances against one another. The most successful at airing grievances was declared to have “ruined Thanksgiving” for the entire family.

Following that, the Christmas period truly began, as a series of special themed days led toward the holiday itself. Black Friday, a day of mass rioting inspired by the previous airing of grievances, grew increasingly violent and often resulted in deaths and maiming of the peasants.  

Cyber Monday was a holy day in which people composed digital odes to those lost in the Black Friday riots. Less is known about Mauve Tuesday, Plaid Wednesday and Vertical Stripes Thursday, other than they were all marked by brutal violence.

The Christmas period reached its climax with a relay, in which people would acquire objects, give them to others, and the recipients would return them to where they came from. The significance of this “offering relay” was an improved efficiency in worship—the worshippers could appease their gods and honor the social contract at the same time.

Finally, the Christmas period concluded with the festival of Nye. At this time, the people paid tribute to their pagan and barbarian roots and tossed all social convention out. The festival was concluded with the smashing of a model of the world dropped from the top of the Temple of Time, which was located in present-day Guilianisburg.”

Wow.  I hope he got a good grade. Have a great break and a happy holiday and try not to overdo it at the festival of Nye this year.