Aries: March 21-April 19 

Everybody hates the guy who is way too into Led Zeppelin. I’m only mentioning it because that’s the sixth time you’ve played “Houses of the Holy” today.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

A get-rich-quick scheme falls through when you discover that, despite the name, your dog cannot actually retrieve gold.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 

I don’t care what that grad student told you, breaking up with your boyfriend and changing your relationship status on Facebook is not “a post-feminist statement of staggering proportions.”

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

If he’s making a list and checking it twice, you’d better hope Santa isn’t a fan of “Death Note.”

Getting the “death” card three times in one tarot reading is a frequently misinterpreted sign – especially since there’s only supposed to be one in a deck.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Disaster strikes your relationship when you discover your girlfriend is participating in No Shave November.

If you’re planning on studying Russian literature in November, please have the suicide prevention hotline on speed dial.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19 

You decide to express your pain and darkness to the world by dressing as a large, flightless bird.  Then, someone explains that it’s “emo,” not “emu.”

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Quit telling people you invented Dubstep.  You’re clearly lion.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Despite your excellent grades, your outstanding GRE scores, and the copious amounts of recommendations you’ve received from your professors, you will have great difficulty in locating a graduate school program that will allow you to become a Pokémon professor.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Your swag will get you a lot of attention, in addition to qualifying you for a job at the fast food locale of your choice.

You will make headlines when you discover a new form of life. Unfortunately, it’s living in your fridge.