Haterscopes – Nov. 8



Nostradumbass has survived another presidential election, and would like to remind other seers that he who shares not his prediction is never wrong!

Aries: March 21-April 19 

The main reaction to your fashion makeover will be that anything that takes the focus off your face is a good thing.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Your job conducting shampoo surveys will be flawed by 100% of women asking you how you got in their bathroom.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 

I’m going to go ahead and propose that riveting an iPhone to your wrist is not “steampunk.”

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

If you’re tired of being overweight and unattractive, hit the gym. Then you’ll just be unattractive.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

You’ll spend the week in a fog, wondering whatever happened to those “Obama” and “Romney” guys everybody was so obsessed about last week.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Your disgust with the media leads you to get rid of your television. But now, you’re uncertain of what to aim your furniture at.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Motivational philosophy becomes dangerous when you try to “give 110%” at a blood drive.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19 

Your short attention span creates a problem when your girlfriend asks you to… Hey! Halo 4 is out! Awesome!

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Although you’re riding high on recent success, you’ll soon come to the realization that you’ve basically won the worst job in the world. (This haterscope exclusively for President Barack Obama, a Leo).

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

You’ll be very excited for the release of the new Abraham Lincoln bio-pic, until you realize they’ve cut out all the vampire fighting this time.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Sometimes it’s not about fixing what’s broken – it’s about starting over and creating something better. That may be why you have a younger sibling.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

You didn’t land that big job you were hoping for. I’m sure a person with your talents can find something out there, though. (This haterscope exclusively for Pisces Mitt Romney).