Aries: March 21-April 19 

When you meet the guy you hooked up with at the Halloween party for lunch, you’ll come to the sad realization that he wasn’t wearing a costume that night.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Your friend claims the kiss was strictly Platonic, but, you’re beginning to suspect it might have been Hegelian or even Cartesian.

As homework assignments begin to pile up, you’ll realize it’s time for your Uncle Fred in Cleveland to pass away again.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

Your son, the terrible astrologer, will write the only accurate haterscope of his life this week. 

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Opportunity knocks this week. It knocks because your doorbell won’t work after you forget to pay the electric bill again.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Laughter is the best medicine, but you’re not going to giggle away that nasty rash without using the cream every day.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Don’t give short shrift to your classwork this week. One of your assignments is finding out what the hell “shrift” is, anyway.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19 

 You’ll experience a pang of jealousy when friends talk about the release of Windows 8 this week.  Go home and use your copy of Office 97 to write about your feelings.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Having an imaginary girlfriend is weird.  Having a screaming fight with her in front of Jabara Hall is weirder. The fact that the fight is over how she hates being called “imaginary” is probably the weirdest.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Think you’re safe from Frankenstorms in Kansas?  Call your parents and ask for money.

Spending a night in jail is not a sufficient basis for claiming you live a Gandhi-like existence.

A haiku for you: The pizza was green/ I ate it all anyway/ Now I’m at ER.