Aries: March 21-April 19 

Now would be an excellent time to triumph over adversity. Or not. Whatever.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s all a game called “Find the Eye.”

The skills you are learning in college will pay off big time in your future career as a parking lot attendant.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

Someday soon, you need to finally sit down and figure out who these “Obama” and “Romney” guys are that everyone seems to be talking about.

You’ll find the truth in the statement “the camera adds ten pounds” during your attempted burglary of a television station.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Your spoken-word performances will go over a lot better when you realize you’re allowed to use more than one word.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Nostradumbass understands that “Cancer” is actually the crab’s name. That doesn’t explain why we haven’t changed it to the more friendly “Uncle Pinchy.”

Nostradumbass heard your little joke about about how many of the zodiac animals are edible. I’m warning you now … stay away from Virgo.

You’ll be the center of attention when you’re chosen to be part of the letter “n” formation at a half-time show.

Getting elected to Congress, hiring a page, and over-working her until she gets sleepy is a long way to go to make a “this is the yawning of the page of Aquarius” joke.

Do you really think a Mayan calendar is a wise investment?

By the time Nostradumbass gets to you, Pisces, he’s worn out and sick of the stars.  So, bad luck for you, Pisces. Bad luck … forever!