Haterscopes – Sep. 20



In brightest day, in darkest night, Nostradumbass can foresee your plight.  So try and chill, don’t be uptight.  Like J.J. Walker, I’m dyn-o-mite!

Aries: March 21-April 19 

Now would be an excellent time to triumph over adversity. Or not. Whatever.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s all a game called “Find the Eye.”

Taurus: April 20-May 20 

The skills you are learning in college will pay off big time in your future career as a parking lot attendant.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

Someday soon, you need to finally sit down and figure out who these “Obama” and “Romney” guys are that everyone seems to be talking about.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

You’ll find the truth in the statement “the camera adds ten pounds” during your attempted burglary of a television station.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Your spoken-word performances will go over a lot better when you realize you’re allowed to use more than one word.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Nostradumbass understands that “Cancer” is actually the crab’s name. That doesn’t explain why we haven’t changed it to the more friendly “Uncle Pinchy.”

 Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19 

Nostradumbass heard your little joke about about how many of the zodiac animals are edible. I’m warning you now … stay away from Virgo.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

You’ll be the center of attention when you’re chosen to be part of the letter “n” formation at a half-time show.

 Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Getting elected to Congress, hiring a page, and over-working her until she gets sleepy is a long way to go to make a “this is the yawning of the page of Aquarius” joke.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Do you really think a Mayan calendar is a wise investment?

 Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

By the time Nostradumbass gets to you, Pisces, he’s worn out and sick of the stars.  So, bad luck for you, Pisces. Bad luck … forever!