Failed columns I have (not) written


I’ll confess this gladly. I forgot I had a column due this week. Over the course of the past eight hours, I’ve started and abandoned several humor columns. For every piece of comedy gold like “Mr. Advice Man,” there are six or seven pieces of comedy crud (which I manage to turn into script options for Jamie Kennedy projects).

Here’s a sample of what is currently residing in the Windows recycling bin as of press time (which was about an hour ago).

Words That Should Be Kicked Out of the Dictionary:  Every year, there’s a news story about some dictionary publisher adding some tech-savvy or hip word to the dictionary. Unfortunately, there’s never a story about the words they should have kicked out of the dictionary.  

Every time they add a word like “tweet” or “sexting” to the dictionary, they should be required to take one of last year’s “hip, new words” out.  In 2010, the Oxford English Dictionary added “bromance” and “vuvuzela.” Does anybody remember what a vuvuzela is?  Does anybody seriously use the term “bromance” anymore? In 2009, they added “frenemy.”  Frenemy?  Who’s working over there, scriptwriters for TeenNick?

Why I Cry When I Read the Paper:  No, not because of news stories about new words being added to the dictionary.  When I sit down with my copy of the local paper I am frequently accosted by the writers. (No, not The Sunflower, which is a wonderful paper that everyone should read—also, please patronize our generous advertisers.)

“Do you think you know it all when it comes to deck treatments and weatherproofing?” they ask.

“Well,” I think to myself, carefully crafting my response, “I’m certainly not the most informed person on home improvement, but…”

“Well, think again!” the paper demands.

“But, I just…”

“I said, ‘Think again’,” it growls.  The black and white lines of text start to form an angry grimace. I begin to shake with fear. “OK, ok!  I’ll reconsider,” conceding defeat.

This is why I’m frequently found in tears, cradling the Living section of the paper.

Less Popular Twitter Hashtags: This is the funniest column I have ever written. Too bad I’m too lazy to figure out how to format Tweets and hashtags in an AP-acceptable style. I’ll leave you with a brief sample: “@BigWillieStyle: Moving to LA, short notice. Mom’s scared.  #onelittlefight”

I’ll try to fish one or two of these out of the trash for next week. It’s either that or do a “Mr. Advice Man” sequel. Wait, that sounds pretty good.