Corrigan: Seven signs you’re growing up


The other day, I had a friend ask me if I pick up the ice cubes that accidentally fall to the floor when I’m getting ice, or if I let them melt on the floor with the excuse “it’s only water”, or even worse — do I kick them underneath the refrigerator? I told her that I definitely picked them up. She looked shocked and responded incredulously, “I guess you’re a fully-actualized, mature adult.”

At this we laughed, because we both know I’m a mess and basically in-utero as far as maturity goes. But this got me thinking, what are the signs in everyday life that qualify you as mature?

This is what I’ve compiled:

1.)   You replace the toilet paper roll when it’s empty if you were the last person to use it. If you live with a roommate or with family, you’re officially the spawn of Satan if you don’t replace the roll.

2.)   You get your pants hemmed. I don’t know about you, but the length of jeans is perplexing to me. Either they’re hobbit length, or they’re made for Shaq. My jeans fall into the latter category, and the bottoms are tattered to shreds like I’m some sort of hobo.

3.)   You separate your laundry. Why don’t I do this? It’s so simple. But it’s even more simple to just throw it in all together. Who needs white t-shirts when you can have a new grayish t-shirt after one wash?

4.)   You get your oil changed. It’s such a pain in the arse. But, from experience, Jiffy Lube has a fantastic assortment of magazines.

5.)   You make your own doctor’s appointments. In a perfect world, would I schedule my yearly check-up? Yes. In the real world, would I neglect to go to the doctor even if I had a tapeworm and a brain-eating amoeba just because I’m too chicken to make my own appointment? Also, yes.

6.)   You eat a vegetable once a week. Iceberg lettuc on your Taco Bell doesn’t count.

7.)   You don’t shove granola bar wrappers into the bowels of your couch. Don’t even say you haven’t done this before. There’s nothing quite as shameful as sitting on your couch and hearing the crinkle of 7,000 granola bar ghosts.