Listening, not shaming is best response to sexual assault

“No more excuses.”

“No more, ‘boys will be boys.’”

“No more, ‘she was flirting with him.’”

“No more, ‘not my problem.’”

“No more.”

These are some of the quotes from celebrities who were part of a series of public service announcements released Monday by NO MORE, a new movement seeking to end domestic violence and sexual assault.

Among those celebrities were Courteney Cox, Dann Florek, Marcia Gay Haden, Ice-T, Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay, founder and president of the Joyful Heart Foundation.

In addition, Hargitay appeared on Katie Couric’s talkshow Monday to discuss season 15 of her show, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (the 2-hour season premiere starts tonight at 8 p.m.), NO MORE and her work to end domestic violence and sexual assault.

NO MORE began in 2009. It is a movement to bring together allies of ending domestic violence and sexual assault crimes to realize they are fighting the same battle.

The tagline of NO MORE is “Together we can end domestic violence and sexual assault,” and that statement can’t be truer. It all starts with talking to children about how to conduct themselves before sending them off into the real world.

“Sixty-five percent of Americans don’t have the conversation with their children,” Hargitay said on “Katie.” “So you’re sending boys and girls off to college, off to high school, off to wherever they go and nobody’s had a conversation with them about how to conduct themselves: a man telling his son how to be a man and how to respect a woman, and how to respect yourself.”

In addition, Hargitay’s husband, actor Peter Hermann, said that perpetrators “depend on silence.”

“Think about a rapist. Think about an abusive spouse,” Hermann said, “Think about how helpful it is to that perpetrator if nobody is willing to talk about the crimes. It’s genius for them.”

“They thrive on it,” Hargitay added.

It all begins by just talking about it. Instead of shaming survivors and asking them how much they had to drink, or whether they provoked their attack, we need to just listen to them tell their stories. It takes courage for someone to come forward and report a rape, yet when they do come forward, society shames them.

That shaming is repulsive. The blame belongs to the perpetrator, not the survivor. We need to educate ourselves about the signs of domestic violence and sexual assault, because knowing that little bit of information, recognizing it and acting to stop it could save someone’s life.

No more, “I’ll say something next time.” No more, “She’s too smart to let that happen.” No more, “She should have been more careful.” No more excuses. No more.

Together we can end domestic violence and sexual assault. All it takes is talking to one another and raising awareness. Let’s all say, “No more,” and put an end to the epidemic of these crimes.

To learn more about NO MORE or The Joyful Heart Foundation, visit www.nomore.org and www.joyfulheartfoundation.org