Better living, the Mr. Advice Man way

Dear Mr. Advice Man,

As the semester draws to a close, I find myself under a great deal of stress.  Major projects are coming due, professors are trying to squeeze too much material into too little time, and of course with warmer weather comes more demands on my social life.  I just can’t seem to balance it all.  How do you recommend I handle the end-of-semester crush?

– Hopeless in Hubbard

 

Dear HOPELESS,

These are the times when you need to avail yourself of the patented Mr. Advice Man Three-Step Stress Busting Program.  Simply applying these easy-to-use techniques will melt your stress away.

Step One – Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol have been used to alleviate symptoms of stress since ancient times. A little nip of your favorite illicit substance and you’ll forget all about projects, exams, classes, and any pesky moral standards you may have had.  To really take step one to the Mr. Advice Man level, try combining the two for a synergistic effect.

Step Two – Sex

Another awesome stress reliever is sex, but finding a partner can just lead to compounding your stress problems.  Fortunately, if you listened to step one, social anxiety won’t be a problem.  Just find the first guy or gal willing to pound down seven Jägerbombs with you and let nature take its course.

Step Three – Procrastination

Now that you’re loosened up, you can address the real cause of your stress – all the crap you’re supposed to be doing.  The most important thing you can do is put it off.  The truth of the matter is, you’ve spent the last week drunk and/or high in bed with total strangers and capped it off by writing a letter to Mr. Advice Man, of all people, for help.  

Do you seriously think it’s going to matter if you spend two weeks or two hours writing a 25-page paper on the role of mine-sniffing dogs in the Battle of Stalingrad?  Either way, it’s going to be a disasterpiece, so why waste a bunch of time on it?  Just get back to step one, and you’ll realize I’m right.