Haterscopes – Jan 24

Haterscopes+-+Jan+24

Columnist

The first Haterscopes of 2013 are here. Thirteen is considered to be an unlucky number, and after 

having looked at your future, I agree.

Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr):  A confusing series of text messages will lead to you being arrested for invading the stage during an LMFAO concert.

Libra (24 Sep – 23 Oct):  Take a geography course this semester and achieve your lifelong dream of locating Carmen Sandiego.

Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May):  Heartbreak lies dead ahead when your plan to convert your microwave into a tropical getaway for your pet turtle goes awry. Scorpio (24 Oct – 22 Nov):  Social media will complicate your life when you accidentally “like” RedTube on Facebook.

Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun):  Your shock after discovering Barack Obama has been re-elected will only further demonstrate that Political Science is not the major for you. 

Sagittarius (23 Nov – 21 Dec):  Oh, sure, they all laughed when you packed snowshoes for Spring semester.  Wait until next week!

Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul):  Your enthusiasm will be welcome at the Shocker game, but quit screaming, “Touchdown!” after every basket.

Capricorn (22 Dec – 20 Jan):  There could be many reasons you can’t find a parking spot, but “Masonic conspiracy” probably isn’t one of them.

Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug):  Your project to raise awareness for bee-keeping does more harm than good when you drop a hive in Ablah Library.

Aquarius (21 Jan – 19 Feb):  You’ll catch a cold so severe you’ll order a pizza just to have ginger ale delivered.

Virgo (23 Aug – 23 Sep):  It’s great that you’re trying to overcome your social anxiety, but the jump to nudism is both sudden and ill advised.

Pisces (20 Feb – 20 Mar):  The world did not end on December 21, 2012, so, if you’re reading this, please come out of the bunker.