OK virgins, I know there are at least four of you on campus, so listen up. Have you ever questioned why you are still a virgin? Are you afraid of sex, afraid of having sex or afraid of making the first move? If you’re a male, you probably haven’t had sex because you look like a pre-pubescent Jar-Jar Binx. If you’re female, then you’re probably clinging to this idea that your virginity is sacred and that you must wait for your one true love to ride in on his big, white horse and sweep you off your feet. Sorry sweetheart, that isn’t going to happen, so why not prepare for reality? 

Kudos to you for keeping your virginity into college. I’m sure you boys have been made fun of for years, but you girls definitely deserve the purity ring you’re wearing. I’m not trying to talk you into having sex if your beliefs are that you should wait, I simply want to tell you what to expect when you take that sinful dive into the throws of love.

Guys, if you’re going to lose your virginity and have no idea what you’re doing, the one thing you don’t want to do is let the girl know that you’re not a stud. Confidence is the only way you’re going to make it through this three-minute stint. In fact, if you’re expecting it to last longer than three minutes, you should probably masturbate several times before initial insertion. And please, don’t experiment with desserts. 

Girls, for the love of everything sacred, DO NOT put your legs up when you’re having sex for the very first time. The act itself is painful enough; there is no need to add to the lip-biting and tear-inducing process. Just trust me. You want to be as horizontal as possible in the most comfortable position you can be, preferably not on white or light-colored sheets. 

Guys, the G-spot does exist and it isn’t buried deep inside in some mystical corner unreachable to the male penis. In fact, you really don’t have to try that hard to find it. But if this is your first time, you have a better chance at getting a girl to orgasm if you just go down on her. 

Girls, your job in sex is not just to lie there. If you are with someone who has more experience than you, it is common courtesy to let him or her know you’re a virgin. But after you have had sex multiple times and get used to the natural flow of events, just laying there is what will get your name on bathroom walls. Watch porn. In fact, watch gay porn. It will teach you how to please a man better than clumsily experimenting on your own. Also, if you choose to go down on him, watch the teeth. 

Once you get your first time over with, I promise nothing in the universe will shift and you will not have some enlightening moment that you’ll never forget. People have this idea that losing their virginity is one of the most amazing, treasured experiences of their lives. Actually, it’s usually really messy and painful and doesn’t often go as planned, so just prepare for it and do it when you’re ready. 

Also, don’t plan out the first time you have sex. Spontaneity is what will make it at least somewhat special. Planning is awkward and usually falls through. Just be sure you’re ready to do it, and don’t follow through if you have any second thoughts. If you have any questions or are concerned with the process, you know where to find me.