Aries: March 21-April 19

The stars have revealed to me your soul mate. Unfortunately, his soul is possessing a goat in Karachi, Pakistan at this time.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

There is incredible growth and expansion in your future. Perhaps you should consider a diet.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

The Prohibition Era will sound like a great theme for a party until the angry old ladies with hatchets show up to raid it.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21 

It’s in the second hour of the argument that you realize:  it’s not whether the glass is half-full or half-empty, it’s that you’re at a really crummy bar. 

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Your tender folk ballad “Look What They Done To My Multi-Million Dollar Guaranteed Pension” will raise awareness of the plight of the American CEO.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

As you recover from dental surgery, you’ll ponder what’s so wise about coming in sideways.

The presentation of your paper will be going great until you discover that there’s also a swimsuit competition.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19 

If you don’t switch to Firefox or Chrome soon, websites optimized for Internet Explorer are going to start claiming “Optimized for [your name].”

When pigs fly?  According to your physics training, with sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I understand you’re confused, disoriented and unsure of what you’re supposed to be doing.  But, try to hold it together until the referees you’re replacing work out their labor dispute.

You can trust your new girlfriend with your secrets. She never listens to you anyway.

Fish are inherently funny, with their sideways eyes and that perpetual helpless expression. Guess that’s why you’re a Pisces.