I may be the worst thing in the paper, but at least I don’t go to KU

Columnist

Once a week, I’m summoned to the bowels of Elliott Hall for The Sunflower’s weekly staff meeting. During the staff meeting, our serious editors talk to serious reporters about serious issues with respect to serious journalism. Seriously. I listen carefully, in case someone mentions how great my column was. The fact that this has never happened does not deter me.

Last week, someone did mention my column because I wrote a bad column. It was so bad, it was declared “worst thing in the paper” during our critique. I wholeheartedly agree; it sucked on toast. So, I decided to turn to the leading light of Kansas academics, Kansas University, and see if there was anything I could steal, er… I mean, learn from their humor columns.

Here, then, is the high comedy of KU:

Professor:  You don’t normally wear glasses do you?

Girl:  Yes.

Professor:  Well, you know, I’m on drugs today.

I promise you, that’s the entire joke. It appears in a column called Wescoe Wit, Wescoe being an academic building where people say witty stuff, I guess. There’s more, but I’ll spare you. It’s more “wit” about alcoholism, drug use, racism and Madonna’s crotch. You know, light and funny stuff.

However, I may be behind the times. Perhaps I don’t have my finger on the collegiate humor pulse like they do in Lawrence. So, in an attempt to be fresh and cutting edge, I present to you Hubbard Hijinks:

Professor:  You are always late to class.

Boy:  I am usually doing drugs in the parking lot.

Professor:  Very well, please take your seat.

Perhaps you would enjoy an excerpt from my other idea, Jabara Japes:

Girl 1:  I like to drink a lot on the weekends.

Girl 2:  Yes, I am concerned that you may have an alcohol problem.

Girl 1:  Perhaps. I will consider rehabilitation counseling.

Woo-hoo, this is some twenty-first century collegiate humor. “Harvard Lampoon” had better watch out, there’s a new sheriff in town. This experiment went so well, I’m going to consider stealing their sex advice column. Let’s see what kind of stuff they deal with:

From The Jayplay, May 3, 2012:

“‘I’m curious about bestiality. I heard it is common, but is it risky? Will I go to jail, catch something or get an animal pregnant?’

-More Than Your Typical Animal Lover”

OK. Now I’m really, really glad I don’t go to KU.