There are but a few constants in life: death, war, taxes and the pizza of the month at Shocker Sports Grill & Lanes.
Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it’s hard to deny the omnipresence of these menu items on the campus food scene. It’s also hard to deny that these pizzas have gotten significantly more unhinged throughout the semester.
August and September started off relatively normal with the hot honey and chicken bacon ranch pizzas. From there we ended up with German Pizza Pie for October, which was topped with a rather curious combination of Canadian bacon, sauerkraut and mozzarella cheese.
And now we’re in the month of November, with the pickle pizza pie, which is best described as less of a pizza, but more of a pickle-flavored pizza homunculus.
Needless to say, I’m bewildered. I have more questions now after eating the pizza than when I decided to write this review.
Who came up with this pizza? Why did they come up with this pizza? Why do we as a society spend so much time arguing about the merits of pineapple on pizza when there are much more cursed flavor profiles out there?
The fact that the pickles weren’t even the strangest part of the pizza confused me as well. The combination of Alfredo sauce and ranch seasoning made for an odd flavor profile that reminded me of an unfortunate chicken parmesan, especially when paired with the ranch dressing splattered haphazardly on top.
And another thing, why was the pizza better than I was expecting?
That’s not to say that the pizza was good somehow — because it was not — but I expected to spit it out immediately. Maybe my standards are just really low, but the fact that the pizza was edible was honestly impressive.
The crust was greasy but decent, and although a lot of the toppings on the pizza – pickles, ranch, ranch seasoning and Alfredo sauce – were objectively weird, they kind of grew on me after a while. The main issues with the pizza had more to do with texture and aftertaste.
The marinara-ranch sauce mixture was incredibly sloppy, and when combined with the grease from the crust and the pickles, it made for a rather messy eating experience. The pickle flavor was also way too strong. I still had the taste of pickles in my mouth hours after eating the pizza, and that didn’t sit quite right with me.
Overall, the dish came across more as a morbid curiosity than an actual food item. Even if you like pickles on foods that really shouldn’t have pickles on them, I don’t see you getting a lot of enjoyment from this pizza. It’s a gloopy, sour amalgamation of clashing ingredients that’s mediocre at best, and there are much better uses for your dining dollars.
