Everyone knows that marriage contracts are part of getting married.

Wichita State professor Jodie Simon advocates having a relationship contract or better, an “understanding contract.”

 “There was this kind of a general sadness and accepted idea that marriage was just a mess; that divorce was so common; that everyone was going to get divorced and that’s just the way it was,” she said about the contract idea. “I had a couple of students mention ‘starter marriages are your first marriage’ and that kind of terminology. It really got me thinking, well, perhaps the way we approach the marriage that is causing the kind of attitude that my students were presenting.”

In addition, Simon said a colleague told her “‘It’s too bad people don’t want to discuss the important issues until they’re in (marriage) counseling and toward the dissolution of their relationship.’” 

Simon teaches women’s issues in the Women’s Studies Department and Marriage and Families in the Sociology Department. She has been happily married to the same man for an many years. They have five children.

She said it is not a legal document even though some couples in her classes have had their contract notarized. The issues and “tools” could be put into a syllabus allowing students to study what a relationship means to them, however not used to change another person due to that being unhealthy.

“It made them realize there were a lot of issues they were ignoring,” Simon said.

She said communication is key. 

Kori Bennett is an intern in the WSU Testing and Counseling Center pursuing a doctorate degree in psychology.

“Communication is key. That’s a good point,” she said. “Often there are some issues that occur that cause problems regularly. Communication is one of those that I see most often.”

“We often think that the people that are we with should ‘know,’ mindreading,” Bennett said. “They should know how we feel and what we need without actually verbalizing it.

“A contract is nice because it puts it black and white.”

Simon emphasizes that the contract is not permanent and, like relationships, change with time and does not need to be discussed during the first week of dating, however needs to be developed when the time is right for each couple. Each person should know them about themselves.

 “Ninety-six percent of the population gets married at least once,” Simon said. “We clearly still strongly believe in the institution of marriage and we still strongly believe we want a partnership.”

However, everyone has a different idea about how it is supposed to work, but do not communicate their approach to making it work, she said. People get into relationships for caretaking/caregiving, children, common concerns, companionship, income, interests (hobbies, traveling), lifelong commitment, religious beliefs, sex, and other aspects of life.

 “A lot of the relationships we tend to find ourselves in are not necessarily ones I think we choose for ourselves in a lot of ways,” Simon said. “I didn’t really choose this, but it’s here and now. We’re in it for love, but what does that mean? There’s all these ambiguous ideas about why these relationships started. Why are you in this relationship? Is this a ‘for now’? Long term? What do you want out of this relationship?”

Bennett said a contract, or something written, helps.

“Knowing what you don’t want can be very helpful,” she said. “There’s not a one size fits all. ‘Oh, my gosh, how do I keep finding these jerks?’”

Sometimes people create or help create these relationship dynamics, Bennett said.

Simon said the idea of the contract is more about discovering what someone wants from and out of relationship, what type relationship would work for them and being able to talk to their significant other about it, which many people cannot do. 

“It helped them realize perhaps how to narrow their dating, how to approach relationship and strengthen their own personal world,” Simon said. “Everything I do in my class is about your personal growth.” 

Couples—married, cohabitating or living in separate homes—often argue over debt, large purchases (set a limit for discussion), who writes the checks (which requires a lot of work), not picking your socks up, hating the dog, who pays or something else, she said. These small issues contribute to resentment, cause conflict, and a break up, not always the big issues such as abuse, gambling or infidelity. 

Significant discussions, children for example, do get addressed, Simon said.

 “Chores is a big one. People fight about it all the time, but then they won’t actually discuss it,” Simon said. “I’m not saying you have to build chore charts by any means, but stave off some of these arguments.”

Bennett said arguments about mundane activities can suggest something more serious, under the surface, is happening. It might be that one person intentionally does not live up to the other’s standards to avoid having to do it again.

“I think they communicate things and it’s not always what the sender means to communicate,” she said. “’That make me feel like you don’t respect me’.”

Concession and traditions play a role, too, Simon said. 

“A lot of women have to come to grips that just because it’s not done your way, doesn’t mean it’s not getting done,” she said. “We have preconceived notions, ideas, of what that looks like.”

Arguing and fighting styles is big, Simon said.

“My husband and I had to come to an grips with our different fighting styles,” she said.

Simon said she addresses cyber relationships in her class, too.

The result of healthy relations includes more personal satisfaction, better self esteem and even lower crime rates, Simon said.

“It does wonderful things for your psyche,” she said. “I’m promoting me; I’m promoting you and that strengthens us.”